Marriage 2

 

Marriage 2                     

More thoughts on marriage

We are sexual beings and we are distinctly male and female.               

At the very moment of our birth we are recognised as girl or boy[1].

Marriage is a unique institution whose roots reach back into the mists of history.  It is a public contract between a man and a woman who commit to live together as a unit, a family, excluding all others from the intimate centre of the entity.  This is the biblical view of marriage and has been the position of the church from the beginning. 

In recent years the dogma has evolved which says that love is all that matters.  This thinking drove the Conservative party, in 2010, to embrace same sex marriage (SSM) saying, “if two people love each other they should be able to marry”. The Cameron government made SSM civil law in 2014.

There is no dispute that love is the central, vital and most important ingredient in marriage.  But it is not the definition of marriage. 

Although marriage is the mutual giving of one person to another to the exclusion of all others, the wedding ceremony is also a formal public statement to society that these two people are one unit - one flesh.  The public element has been established to make it clear to all and sundry that these two people and any children are a family. 

If marriage was only the recognition of a ‘living together’ or an acknowledgement of a sexual relationship it would not be necessary to formalise it.  Marriage is the unique institution it has become and endures because of children.  When a man and a woman come together sexually, children come[2].   With children comes long term serious responsibility.  Many young people are dependent on their parents into their twenties and in their infant years require constant care.  Both mother and father are vital for this care and often need the support of the wider family.  But the care for infants falls most heavily on to mothers. 

Our culture does not seem to recognise or value the central role of mothers.

 Our materialistic society places a high value on achievement which can be measured in monetary terms.  This means that unless an activity yields an impressive salary it has little real value.  And parenting is an act of love which cannot be measured.

 Our materialist culture focusing on achievement has bifurcated the roles of male and female.  For countless centuries the father being the breadwinner, the home provider and maybe the protector warrior, is seen as the achiever.  Mother, conceiving, bearing, nurturing, rearing and teaching the young is taken for granted; all this is done for love and carries little material value.

Over time the split roles have seriously degraded mothering and this under valuing of the female role has caused pain and resentment among women.

This divide has become engraved in our culture so much so that men don’t know how to look after women and women begrudge honouring men.

The feminist movement, naturally, strives to remedy this injustice.  But it has chosen to downplay unique feminine qualities by emulating the male achiever model – making money.  This has accentuated the war of the sexes.   And in late 2022 we are at the place where women are, if anything, more dissatisfied than ever and men frustrated and isolated.  This confusion is feeding into all facets of our society, not least our perception and definition of marriage.

There is much serious thinking needed and not a little hard effort required to work out how men and women can relate better and to determine what marriage really means.  And the church has an important role to play.

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[1] less than 1 in 1000 babies are born who are not distinctly male or female having atypical genitalia – Cleveland clinic.

[2] Children always come, unless: 1 the couple choose not to have children: 2 a health issue causes infertility: 3 old age.

Marriage

 What is marriage and why was it institutionalised?

We are sexual beings and we are distinctly male and female. 

At the very moment of our birth we are recognised as girl or boy[1].

 As we grow into adulthood our body size, shape and strength, our hair, our voices, our bone structure and other more subtle and mysterious features like the way we move identify us as men or women.  And as we grow from childhood to maturity we long for sustained and fulfilled relationships with our peers of both sexes.  This inbetween time between childhood and adulthood can be a disturbing and unsettling time for many of us to the extent that we may even question our sexual identity.  And with this growing maturity our genitals can come to have an almost dominating place in our lives.  So much so that we fantasize about sexual contact and run the risk of indulging in pornography and masturbation. 

Much has been said and written about the needs of the homosexual community, for example the Bishop of Oxford’s reference to the "acute pain and distress of LGBTQ+ people in the life of the Church"[2].  But there is little concern in the church, the media or the wider community for the struggles of the many millions of teenagers who are navigating their transition into adulthood. 

The purpose of this paper is an attempt to redress the balance by focusing on defining marriage as it relates to our wider community rather than concentrating on a minority.

 

What is marriage?

 It shouldn’t need pointing out, but the bodies of adult males are designed to connect with adult females and we fit together in a delightful yet profound way. 

When a man and woman come together it is the most creative act in the universe.  From time to time new people come.  We have all come to being in this way.  And this is the basis of marriage. 

Men are not designed for sexual contact with other men, nor women with women.  Our sexuality is the most private of our activities as we lose control of ourselves and can behave somewhat strangely.  Conversely sex is not something we do alone, another person is always involved.  Even if we live isolated lives with only pornography and masturbation others are involved in our sex lives if just pictorially. 

Same sex marriage (SSM), enabled in law by the Cameron government in 2014, has delighted a small section of society but brought much confusion and significant distress to our wider culture and my secular complaint with ‘new marriage’ is that it is shallow and  insufficient.  It seems to be focused only on relationship and orgasm.  There is much more.  And within some sections of the Christian church there is confusion coupled with a fervent longing to be progressive.  None more than the Church of England in late 2022. 

The rationale for promoting same sex marriage seems to be based on the doctrine of ‘inclusivity[3]’ whereby no one should be excluded from any activity.  The doctrine has been mainstream in the western world for most of this century and is affirmed by many elite in prominent institutions. Some churches, like the Methodist church, have formally supported SSM but in a half hearted woolly way. 

When it comes to sexual activity the church has always looked to the bible for affirmation of its decisions.  Although the secular view has become much more influential this century the bible still has a central place in the debate.  It is clear from the bible God intends marriage to be between a man and a woman. Genesis 2:24 states: “Therefore a man leaves his father and his mother and clings to his wife, and they become one flesh.” In Matthew 19:4-5, Jesus reaffirms this: “He answered, ‘Have you not read that the one who made them at the beginning made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’?

The Cameron government in 2014, when it made SSM legal, gave scant regard for the bible, but the church is not able to be so casual and careless.  The two references above both refer to the married couple becoming ‘one flesh’.  The term one flesh holds a deep mysterious meaning referring to sexual intercourse.  Man and woman fit together perfectly.  Any other sexual bonding such as anal sexual intercourse cannot be equated with the coming together of a man and woman.

Man and woman coming together in this way is a wonder, delight, glory and mystery beyond describing.  And new people are the greatest mystery of all and are the pinnacle of marriage.

 

Why marriage is institutionalised

 Sexual activity is not morally neutral.  Sex is a powerful force in the lives of adults in their prime.  And our urges can get out of hand and we can, and do, exploit one another.  This leads to much misery and bitterness.  It can also result in unwanted pregnancy leading onto single motherhood or abortion.

It is to reduce human misery that society has established social boundaries to restrain casual sexual activity.  This is a first reason that marriage has been institutionalised. 

A second is for the protection of the mother and child.  Human young require nurture, care and protection for many years and are vulnerable in all sorts of ways up to their mid teens or later.  In a modern society most are not able to live independent lives until their twenties.  And in our early years maternal care is absolutely crucial making a mother’s role in child rearing paramount.  Thus motherhood is possibly the supreme of all human activities. 

 

Appendix

 The introduction to the Church of England prayer book marriage ceremony lays out the “causes for which matrimony was ordained”.

  ”Firstly, It was ordained for the procreation of children, to be brought up in fear and nurture of the Lord, and to the praise of his holy name”. 

 Secondly, It was ordained for a remedy against sin, and to avoid fornication; that such persons as have not the gift of continency might marry, and keep themselves undefiled members of Christ’s body.

 Thirdly, It was ordained for the mutual society, help and comfort that the one ought to have of the other, both in prosperity and adversity.  Into which holy estate these two persons present come now to be joined. 

 

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[1] less than 1 in 1000 babies are born who are not distinctly male or female having atypical genitalia – Cleveland clinic.

[2] Daily Telegraph 03Nov22 ‘Church of England should allow same sex marriage’

 [3] the practice or policy of providing equal access to opportunities and resources for people who might otherwise be excluded or marginalized, such as those belonging to minority groups.