What is marriage and why was it institutionalised?
We are sexual beings and we are distinctly male and female.
At the very moment of our birth we are recognised as girl or boy[1].As we grow into adulthood our body size, shape and strength, our hair, our voices, our bone structure and other more subtle and mysterious features like the way we move identify us as men or women. And as we grow from childhood to maturity we long for sustained and fulfilled relationships with our peers of both sexes. This inbetween time between childhood and adulthood can be a disturbing and unsettling time for many of us to the extent that we may even question our sexual identity. And with this growing maturity our genitals can come to have an almost dominating place in our lives. So much so that we fantasize about sexual contact and run the risk of indulging in pornography and masturbation.
Much has been said and written about the needs of the homosexual community, for example the Bishop of Oxford’s reference to the "acute pain and distress of LGBTQ+ people in the life of the Church"[2]. But there is little concern in the church, the media or the wider community for the struggles of the many millions of teenagers who are navigating their transition into adulthood.
The purpose of this paper is an attempt to redress the balance by focusing on defining marriage as it relates to our wider community rather than concentrating on a minority.
What is marriage?
It shouldn’t need pointing out, but the bodies of adult males are designed to connect with adult females and we fit together in a delightful yet profound way.
When a man and woman come together it is the most creative act in the universe. From time to time new people come. We have all come to being in this way. And this is the basis of marriage.Men are not designed for sexual contact with other men, nor women with women. Our sexuality is the most private of our activities as we lose control of ourselves and can behave somewhat strangely. Conversely sex is not something we do alone, another person is always involved. Even if we live isolated lives with only pornography and masturbation others are involved in our sex lives if just pictorially.
Same sex marriage (SSM), enabled in law by the Cameron government in 2014, has delighted a small section of society but brought much confusion and significant distress to our wider culture and my secular complaint with ‘new marriage’ is that it is shallow and insufficient. It seems to be focused only on relationship and orgasm. There is much more. And within some sections of the Christian church there is confusion coupled with a fervent longing to be progressive. None more than the Church of England in late 2022.
The rationale for promoting same sex marriage seems to be based on the doctrine of ‘inclusivity[3]’ whereby no one should be excluded from any activity. The doctrine has been mainstream in the western world for most of this century and is affirmed by many elite in prominent institutions. Some churches, like the Methodist church, have formally supported SSM but in a half hearted woolly way.
When it comes to sexual activity the church has always looked to the bible for affirmation of its decisions. Although the secular view has become much more influential this century the bible still has a central place in the debate. It is clear from the bible God intends marriage to be between a man and a woman. Genesis 2:24 states: “Therefore a man leaves his father and his mother and clings to his wife, and they become one flesh.” In Matthew 19:4-5, Jesus reaffirms this: “He answered, ‘Have you not read that the one who made them at the beginning made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’?
The Cameron government in 2014, when it made SSM legal, gave scant regard for the bible, but the church is not able to be so casual and careless. The two references above both refer to the married couple becoming ‘one flesh’. The term one flesh holds a deep mysterious meaning referring to sexual intercourse. Man and woman fit together perfectly. Any other sexual bonding such as anal sexual intercourse cannot be equated with the coming together of a man and woman.
Man and woman coming together in this way is a wonder, delight, glory and mystery beyond describing. And new people are the greatest mystery of all and are the pinnacle of marriage.
Why marriage is institutionalised
Sexual activity is not morally neutral. Sex is a powerful force in the lives of adults in their prime. And our urges can get out of hand and we can, and do, exploit one another. This leads to much misery and bitterness. It can also result in unwanted pregnancy leading onto single motherhood or abortion.
It is to reduce human misery that society has established social boundaries to restrain casual sexual activity. This is a first reason that marriage has been institutionalised.A second is for the protection of the mother and child. Human young require nurture, care and protection for many years and are vulnerable in all sorts of ways up to their mid teens or later. In a modern society most are not able to live independent lives until their twenties. And in our early years maternal care is absolutely crucial making a mother’s role in child rearing paramount. Thus motherhood is possibly the supreme of all human activities.
Appendix
The introduction to the Church of England prayer book marriage ceremony lays out the “causes for which matrimony was ordained”.
”Firstly, It was ordained for the procreation of children, to be brought up in fear and nurture of the Lord, and to the praise of his holy name”.
Secondly, It was ordained for a remedy against sin, and to avoid fornication; that such persons as have not the gift of continency might marry, and keep themselves undefiled members of Christ’s body.
Thirdly, It was ordained for the mutual society, help and comfort that the one ought to have of the other, both in prosperity and adversity. Into which holy estate these two persons present come now to be joined.
[1] less than 1 in 1000 babies are born who are not distinctly male or female having atypical genitalia – Cleveland clinic.
[2] Daily Telegraph 03Nov22 ‘Church of England should allow same sex marriage’
[3] the practice or policy of providing equal access to opportunities and resources for people who might otherwise be excluded or marginalized, such as those belonging to minority groups.